Y05W40PA - One Important Afternoon

This week you wrote a story about a stray dog and what your parents found out. Now you'll read another student's story and decide how strong it is. Looking at other writing helps you spot moves you can use.

Part 1

The Assessor Scorecard for

Narrative – Short story

Markers look for stories that show real feeling through what characters do. Check each strand below to see what strong work looks like.

Ideas & Content

Exact details that show feeling, not just name it. Actions and reactions that make the moment real. Feelings that match what happens in the story.

  • Real feeling: exact details and actions that show feeling instead of naming it.

Structure & Cohesion

A build-up toward the big moment with the parents. The character's reaction shown right after it happens. An ending that shows what the moment means.

  • Feeling builds: structure moves on purpose toward the big feeling and past it.

Audience & Purpose

Choices that keep the story tight, not full of side bits. Details that pull the reader close to the character. Moments that hold the feeling all the way through.

  • Feeling connection: choices on purpose that help readers feel why the moment matters.

Language Choices

Exact words for feeling — not "sad" or "happy." No over-the-top words that sound fake. Mixed sentence lengths that match the feeling.

  • Exact feeling: mixed, exact words that show real feeling without going over the top.

Conventions

Spelling and punctuation that don't break the mood. Paragraph breaks at each shift in feeling. A pattern of mistakes lowers the mark — one or two does not.

  • Structural support: correct spelling, punctuation and paragraph breaks that hold the feeling up.

Part 2

Today’s Marking Targets

Task in one sentence

Write a story about what happens that afternoon when your parents find out about the stray dog you've been hiding.

Let’s Focus

Two strands matter most this week: Ideas & Content and Language Choices. Strong ideas show feeling through what the character does — not by saying "I felt sad." Language choices help you show that feeling in a real way.

Ideas & Content

Strong stories this week show real feeling through action. Use exact moments to show what the character thinks and does — how they react when the parents see the dog, what they say, what they do next. Feeling should feel earned, not just told.

What markers scan for

  • Show feeling through what the character does, not what they say they feel.
  • Add dialogue or reactions that make the moment real.
  • Let the feeling build in a way that fits the story.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Events are clear but feelings are named — the reader is told, not shown.

  • Strong

    Events are shown with exact actions — dialogue and reactions feel real.

  • Excellent

    Events are shown with rich actions — dialogue and details bring feeling to life.

Language Choices

Strong language this week shows real feeling without going over the top. Mix sentence lengths and pick exact verbs that catch feeling. Use dialogue and sensory details to pull the reader into the character's moment.

What markers scan for

  • Mix sentence lengths to match the feeling — short for shock, longer for thought.
  • Pick exact, active verbs — not "said" or "went."
  • Let dialogue sound real, like people actually talking.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Sentences are simple and dialogue sounds flat — feeling stays on the surface.

  • Strong

    Sentences vary and dialogue sounds real — feeling comes through clearly.

  • Excellent

    Sentences vary with skill — dialogue and details make feeling deeply real.

Now read · Student sample

One Important Afternoon

Year 5 sample · ~200 words

Student sample for assessment

Written by a Year 5 student in Croydon, Victoria, Australia.

It started on Monday when I left school. I noticed a dog walking behind me. It wasn't a puppy or anything, just a brown dog that looked like it didn't have a home. It seemed nice and didn't do anything bad. It just walked behind me all the way home.

I didn't say anything to Mum and Dad. I didn't really know what to say. What if they said I couldn't keep it? The dog came back Tuesday and I let it in the garage and gave it some water. It was nice to have a dog.

Every day it was there. On Wednesday I called it something—not a real name—just a name. On Thursday I played with it in the backyard. I felt happy when I saw it waiting by the gate. But I still didn't tell my parents.

Friday I got home and felt scared. My mum and dad were at the front door. And the dog was there with them. They didn't look happy. The dog's owner came to get it, and it turned out the dog had been gone for five days and they had looked everywhere. The owner was just really glad to see it.

My parents said I should have told them. They were right. I watched the dog go, and I felt sad. But the lady said thank you for looking after it. That made me feel a little bit better.