Y05W01PA - The Moment After

This week you wrote a story about facing a fear. Now you'll read another student's story and decide how strong it is. Looking at someone else's work helps you spot what works — then you can use those moves in your own writing.

Part 1

The Assessor Scorecard for

Narrative – Short Story

Markers look for stories that pull the reader into one real moment. Check each strand below to see what strong work looks like.

Ideas & Content

One clear moment — not a list of everything that happened. Real details you can see, hear, or feel in that moment. A reason the moment matters to you, not just what happened.

  • Key moment: strong writing builds one clear moment and shows why it matters.

Structure & Cohesion

A clear path from the start to the ending — no jumps. Linking words at every turn so the reader follows easily. An ending that fits what came before, not a sudden stop.

  • Sequence markers: strong writing uses linking words to move the reader through each stage.

Audience & Purpose

A voice that sounds like you, not flat or distant. The same feel from start to finish — no sudden changes. Words that pull the reader inside the moment with you.

  • Narrative voice: strong writing keeps one steady voice that holds the reader inside the moment.

Language Choices

Exact words that paint a picture — not "nice," "good," or "scared." Words that show feeling through action, not just naming it. No word repeated when a better one would work.

  • Showing language: strong writing picks words that show action and feeling instead of naming them.

Conventions

Spelling and grammar that don't trip the reader up. A pattern of mistakes lowers the mark — one or two does not. Full stops and commas placed on purpose, especially in tense moments.

  • Punctuation on purpose: strong writing uses punctuation on purpose to control speed and what stands out.

Part 2

Today’s Marking Targets

Task in one sentence

Write a short story about facing a long-held fear at a swimming carnival — one focused moment, not the whole day.

Let’s Focus

Two strands matter most this week: Structure & Cohesion and Language Choices. How you arrange the events shapes how the reader feels them. The words you pick decide whether the moment feels real — or like any other story.

Structure & Cohesion

Strong writing this week moves in three clear steps: the fear set up early, the moment of jumping in as the turning point, and an ending that links back to what the moment meant for you.

What markers scan for

  • Linking words or time markers at every section change.
  • An ending that follows naturally from the key moment.
  • One unified story, not a stack of separate paragraphs.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Events are there but missing the links — the reader has to work out the order.

  • Strong

    Events are joined with clear linking words, moving from start to ending with purpose.

  • Excellent

    Linking words vary and feel chosen, so the reader is guided through with no gaps.

Language Choices

Strong writing this week shows the experience instead of just naming it. The pool, the fear, the shift to feeling brave — each described with exact words, not "scared" or "happy."

What markers scan for

  • An exact word for the water, the sound, the feeling.
  • A physical detail that makes the fear or relief feel real.
  • No "scared," "happy," or "good" doing the heavy lifting.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Feelings are named with basic or repeated words — the reader is told, not shown.

  • Strong

    Some exact words and images appear, starting to create pictures for the reader.

  • Excellent

    Exact words throughout, showing instead of telling, with key moments brought to life.

Now read · Student sample

The Moment After

Year 5 sample · ~200 words

Student sample for assessment

Written by a Year 5 student in Craigieburn, Victoria, Australia.

The carnival was a big day at school. Everyone was at the pool and Mrs Johnson was calling names for the races. I did not want to be called because the deep end was too scary for me.

Then my name was called and I had to get up. My legs felt heavy as I walked to the pool. I looked down at the water and it was very deep and dark. I felt scared.

When the whistle blew I jumped in. The water went over my head and I went under for a second. Then I came back up and started swimming. I kept going and going until my hand hit the end of the pool. I had done it.

After the race I got out and sat on the edge. My heart was beating fast but I felt good. Some of my friends came over and said I did a great job. I was happy.

Later that day I thought about what happened. I had been scared for a long time but I did it anyway. My mum always says that being brave is not about being not scared, it is about doing something even when you are scared. I think I understand now what she means. The deep end is not something I am scared of anymore and I think I can do more things that are hard too.