Y09W13PA - The Request That Costs Something

This week you wrote a short story about a request that costs the character something. Now you'll read another student's story and judge how strong it is. Working through how assessors evaluate narrative writing sharpens your ability to apply the same lens to your own work.

Part 1

The Assessor Scorecard for

Narrative – Short story

Strong narrative creates compelling characters and develops genuine conflict through specific scenes. Check each strand below to see what strong work looks like.

Ideas & Content

Ideas in narrative emerge from character and choice. Create meaningful conflict and explore it honestly — don't resolve tension too quickly or force a moral. Sit with the difficulty and show a character facing a real choice that costs something. Ask: does the story earn its ending?

  • Character choice: turns the request into a meaningful narrative conflict.

Structure & Cohesion

Use a clear shape: setup, rising tension, a moment where the character acts, resolution from that choice. Control pacing — move through exposition quickly and dwell on moments that matter. Weak narrative rushes past key moments or spends too long on setup. Let the pivotal moment breathe.

  • Rising tension: moves from setup to decision to consequence with control.

Audience & Purpose

Narrative moves readers — they should care about the character and feel the weight of the choice. Invite the reader into the character's experience. Weak narrative tells rather than shows, or sounds so sentimental it feels false. Keep the tone honest.

  • Emotional weight: makes readers care about what the request costs.

Language Choices

Word choice shapes how readers see and feel. Sensory detail — what the character sees, hears and feels — beats explanation. Dialogue reveals character. Verbs should be active and precise; weak narrative explains emotions or uses generic description.

  • Vivid detail: reveals feeling through action, setting and carefully chosen words.

Conventions

Conventions support immersion. Dialogue punctuation should be correct so readers stay focused on what characters say. Keep spelling and punctuation accurate. Use paragraph breaks to support pacing; errors pull readers out of the story.

  • Narrative polish: keeps the story fluent, controlled and immersive.

Part 2

Today’s Marking Targets

Task in one sentence

Write a 450-word short story about a character who receives a request that isn't exactly wrong but asks them to be slightly different from who they are.

Let’s Focus

Three strands matter most this week: Ideas & Content, Language Choices and Audience & Purpose. Ideas & Content decides whether the conflict feels genuine. Language Choices decides whether moments live through sensory detail. Audience & Purpose decides whether readers feel the weight of the choice.

Ideas & Content

Assessors reward writers who create genuine dilemma and show the character making a real choice. The request shouldn't be obviously right or wrong — that creates the tension. Both options should cost something. Show what the character actually does, and let the ending come from that choice rather than from an imposed moral. Weak stories resolve too quickly.

What markers scan for

  • Is there genuine conflict where both choices have costs?
  • Does the story sit with the difficulty rather than resolving it too quickly?
  • Does the ending emerge from the character's choice, not from a tacked-on moral?

Score Bands

  • Basic

    The request is either obviously right or obviously wrong; conflict isn't genuine; resolution is too neat.

  • Strong

    Genuine dilemma with costs on both sides; character makes a real choice; story feels honest about the difficulty.

  • Excellent

    Complex conflict that genuinely sits with difficulty; character's choice emerges from complexity; ending is earned.

Language Choices

Language should work through detail and moment, not explanation. 'She didn't know whether to agree' is explanation; 'She opened her mouth, closed it, looked away' shows hesitation. Use sensory detail to create immersion. Dialogue reveals values and fears. Weak narrative explains emotions instead of showing them.

What markers scan for

  • Does the writer use sensory detail and dialogue to show character emotion and conflict?
  • Are moments described in enough detail to feel real?
  • Are emotions shown through action rather than named?

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Explains emotions rather than showing them; vague or generic description; dialogue is minimal.

  • Strong

    Uses sensory detail and dialogue to show conflict; moments feel real and immediate.

  • Excellent

    Rich sensory detail and effective dialogue throughout; moments are vivid and emotionally true.

Audience & Purpose

Your purpose is to make readers care about the character and feel the weight of the choice. Keep the tone intimate — the reader should feel close to the experience. Avoid sentimental language that tells readers how to feel ('She felt deeply sad'); show it through action and detail. Avoid distance that prevents readers from caring.

What markers scan for

  • Does the tone draw readers into the character's experience?
  • Does the story feel emotionally honest, or does it feel sentimental or distant?
  • Does the writer trust action and detail to carry the emotion?

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Tone is distant or sentimental; reader doesn't care much about the character's choice.

  • Strong

    Tone draws readers into the character's experience; the choice feels emotionally real.

  • Excellent

    Intimate, honest tone throughout; readers feel the weight of the character's dilemma.

Now read · Student sample

The Request That Costs Something

Year 9 sample · \~550 words

Student sample for assessment

Written by a Year 9 student in Bentleigh, Victoria, Australia.

My best friend Zara asks me to lie to my mum about where I'm going on Saturday night. It's not a big lie. She's going to a party her older sister is hosting, and she wants me to tell my mum we're studying at her place. She doesn't ask this like it's some huge favour. She just says it casually while we're eating lunch: "Hey, can you tell your mum we're at mine studying? My sister's having people over and it'll be epic." Epic. Like it's obvious I'll say yes. I don't say no immediately. That's the thing. If I've learned anything about myself, it's that I'm someone who thinks about what people want before I think about what I actually think. So when Zara says it, I feel the weight of the question before I feel anything else. I feel what she's assuming: that of course I'll do this. We've been best friends since Year 5. This is the kind of thing friends do. But my mum and I had a conversation about lying last month. Not because I'd lied to her, but because she'd found out someone at school had lied to their parents about something serious. She asked me: "How do you know when a lie is okay?" And I remember saying: "You don't. That's why you just don't do it." She'd smiled at me then like she was proud. I'm not angry at Zara. That's what's confusing. She's not being unreasonable. She's just asking me to be a different kind of friend—the kind who shows up, who's in it with them, who doesn't make things complicated. And I want to be that person. I want to go to the party. I want to be the friend Zara thinks I am. I tell her yes. We plan it out. My mum will drop me at Zara's at six. I'll text her when we're leaving the party. It's simple. But on Saturday morning, I wake up and I feel different. Not regretful exactly. Just aware that something has shifted. That I've made a choice to be someone—someone who lies to their mum, someone who pretends to be studying. I think about texting Zara and backing out. I almost do. But then I think about what that would mean: letting her down, being that person who doesn't show up, who makes things complicated. So I go. My mum drops me at Zara's. When she hugs me goodbye, she says: "Have fun studying." And I hug her back and don't say anything. That's the moment I feel it most—not the lie itself, but the distance the lie creates. She doesn't know what I'm actually doing. There's something between us now. Something that wasn't there before. I'm at the party and it's good. Zara's happy. I'm with people and it's fun. But I'm also aware—constantly, underneath everything—of the lie. Of my mum at home thinking I'm somewhere else. Of the choice I made to be this person. By the time Zara drives me back to her place and I text my mum to pick me up, I still don't know if I made the right choice. I just know I made a choice, and I'm going to live with it.