Y05W15PA - The Thing I Found

This week you wrote a story about finding something an old man left behind. Now you'll read another student's story and decide how strong it is. Looking at someone else's work helps you spot moves you can use in your own writing.

Part 1

The Assessor Scorecard for

Narrative Writing – Short Story

Markers look for stories that make the reader care about the characters. Check each strand below to see what strong work looks like.

Ideas & Content

Characters who want or value something real. Events that flow from their choices, not random happenings. A problem the character has to face along the way.

  • Character motivation: characters who want things; events follow their choices.

Structure & Cohesion

An opening that sets up the world and the character. A middle that builds toward a clear turning point. An ending that fits what came before, not a sudden stop.

  • Shaped narrative: opening, build-up, turning point, ending.

Audience & Purpose

Moments that make the reader care what happens next. Characters shown in ways that pull the reader in. No flat setup — every choice helps the reader feel something.

  • Reader engagement: choices that make the reader care and stay curious.

Language Choices

Sight, sound, touch details that make the story vivid. Dialogue that sounds real and reveals the character. Show feelings — "his shoulders sagged," not "he was sad."

  • Precise, evocative language: shows the moment instead of just naming it.

Conventions

Dialogue punctuated correctly so it's easy to follow. One tense kept all the way through — usually past tense. Spelling and grammar that keep the reader in the story.

  • Technical accuracy: stays out of the way; keeps the story flowing.

Part 2

Today’s Marking Targets

Task in one sentence

Write a story about an old man who fed pigeons going missing — and what you decide to do with what he left behind.

This stimulus gives you a character (the elderly man, seen from a distance), a routine (he sits and feeds pigeons every afternoon), and an absence that is strange (he is not there). Your job is to build a story around this disruption. What do you find that he left behind? A coat? A journal? A photograph? A note? What does this object reveal about him? What does finding it make you feel? Do you try to return it? Do you keep it? Do you share it? Your story should draw readers into caring about both the mysterious man and what happens to what you find. It should move from the ordinary rhythm of the man's routine through the disruption of his absence, the discovery of the object, and your decision about what to do. The reader should come away understanding why this moment mattered to you.

Let’s Focus

Two strands matter most this week: Audience & Purpose and Language Choices. The reader has to care about the old man, so his routine and absence need weight. Exact, sensory words make him feel real, not just a name.

Audience & Purpose

Strong writing this week builds the old man through small, exact details — when he came, what he wore, how he spoke to the pigeons. His absence then feels odd. Your choice about what to find should matter inside, not just outside.

What markers scan for

  • Show his routine with exact details — time, place, small habits.
  • Make the reader curious about who he is.
  • Let his absence feel odd, not just say it is.
  • Describe what you find so its weight comes through.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Man's routine is there but lacks detail and weight.

  • Strong

    Man feels real, and his absence is clearly odd and sad.

  • Excellent

    Man is unforgettable, and what you find carries real weight.

Language Choices

Strong writing this week uses senses and exact verbs to bring the man and the object to life. "He scattered the seeds" sounds careful; "he threw" sounds careless. Show feelings through action — "my throat tightened," not "I felt sad."

What markers scan for

  • Use sight, sound, and touch for the man, bench, and object.
  • Pick exact verbs — "scattered," "clutched," "hesitated."
  • Show feelings through what the body does, not by naming them.
  • Make the dialogue sound real and reveal the character.

Score Bands

  • Basic

    Words are clear but feelings are named and details thin.

  • Strong

    Words build the world through senses and exact verbs.

  • Excellent

    Words are exact and vivid — every detail earns its place.

Now read · Student sample

The Thing I Found

Year 5 sample · ~200 words

Student sample for assessment

Written by a Year 5 student in Croydon, NSW, Australia.

Every afternoon the old man went to sit on the bench outside the library to feed the pigeons. He went there every single day and felt happy doing it. One afternoon I went to the library and the bench was empty. I found something nice that he had left behind.

I discovered a small old bag sitting on the bench. I felt sad seeing it alone. I went inside the library and asked the librarian about the old man. She felt worried and said he hadn't came for three days. I looked inside the bag and found his address on a nice card.

I went to his house with the bag. An old woman answered the door and felt so grateful. She said the old man was sick and in hospital. She said it was a nice thing for me to go all the way to help. I felt glad I could do something good.

I went to visit him in the hospital. He felt so happy to see me and we talked about the pigeons. He said I was a nice person. Now he comes back to the bench sometimes and I go with him. Finding that thing changed how I saw being kind.